Anything but over
by 20BlueRoses
Summary: She doesn't want to hurt him but that doesn't mean she has the willpower to stay away.


I didn't expect to find myself writing Alicia fics but this happened! This is set after last week's episode. Please be warned that it contains a few mature scenes/language. Sorry that the final few paragraphs are so badly written - I wanted to get it up before tonight's ep or else it might not make sense, so didn't have time for a final edit. I hope you enjoy reading and please let me know what you think.

(To readers of Piece by Piece - sorry for the wait, I promise I'll start writing it again soon!).

* * *

.

* * *

She arrives back in Holby a whole day earlier than planned thanks to his stupid new regime. It still makes her head spin with anger. All the hard work they do, all the shit they put up with, and now they're barely entitled to a day off. She can't blame her colleagues for being furious with Ethan. She is too, among a thousand other emotions.

She hails the first cab she sees and jumps in the back, dragging her large suitcase in after her with far more difficulty than she'd like to admit. Hangovers have always left her weak, this one even more so, perhaps with it being the first she's had in many months. The driver welcomes her with a grunt and asks her where she's going. It's Ethan's address that slips from her mouth and the taxi takes a left turn from the carpark before she has chance to retract it.

Perhaps it's not much of a surprise that his address is more prominent in her mind than her own. She's spent the whole trip thinking about him. Although her dad's party should have been a distraction, her heart had barely left the hospital. Her dad had noticed, of course, and she remembers his attempts at cheering her up; supplying her with prosecco, pulling daft faces and dragging her to the dancefloor. Her heart surges with affection for her dad. His efforts achieved little success but it meant a lot that he'd tried.

* * *

 _She had jabbed the home screen and shoved her phone back in her handbag in disgust. If things had been different, Ethan might have been there with her, not the absent recipient of three unsent messages. Her dad had offered her a plus-one and she'd refused, telling him she was single and it was staying that way. But she wanted Ethan now and not just because she'd run out of grace to deal with her great-aunt's blatant disapproval._

 _And yet it wasn't this new clinical-lead-Ethan she wanted and it certainly wasn't the grieving-and-dangerous-Ethan he been just before that. She wanted the Ethan that seemed to be lost in the past, the Ethan who was kind and funny and who nervously lusted after her. She was sure he was still in there somewhere beneath endless budgets, failed strategies and cancelled fucking leave._

 _She'd seen a glimpse of that Ethan just days before when he'd kissed her and made her feel like the most important person in the world. She'd seen it in his eyes as they'd tumbled into bed and when she'd greeted him in the morning with a coffee and very little else. But at work that person had vanished and so did their rekindled relationship. She knew he was stressed and under more pressure than anyone could imagine. But he'd let them down yet again and she couldn't pretend that was okay._

 _Her head ached just thinking of the injustice of it. At one point she'd loved her job and now every moment she spent there felt like fighting a losing battle. Patients were dying, staff were leaving and the nicest man in the hospital was turning into a monster. Her hand slammed onto the bar. The man next to her looked up, alarmed. The server raised an expectant eyebrow. She glared at him, but ordered two shots of tequila anyway._

 _She threw the liquid to the back of her throat, barely wincing at the burning sensation, and slid the second shot to the man next to her. He looked the opposite of Ethan in everything but age; tall, dark and willing to accept a drink from a stranger._

" _Consider it a peace offering," she said. "I made you jump."_

 _He downed the shot effortlessly and took the seat next to hers. "Sean," he said, holding out his hand._

" _Alicia," she replied. She tilted her head to the side. "Hang on, you're not a long lost cousin or anything, are you?"_

 _His laugh came as a bark. "Cousin?"_

" _It's my dad's party," she explained. "Lots of people claiming to be relatives who I swear I've never seen in my life!"_

 _He laughed. "Always the way at family parties. So your Howard's daughter?"_

 _She nodded. "And you're his..?"_

" _I work with your dad." He looked thoughtful but a smile crept onto his face. "You know, you're not what I expected."_

" _No? How so?"_

" _He said you were a doctor."_

 _Alicia flinched. She may have spent three hours getting appropriately beautified to wear a short white dress and sparkly heels but that didn't mean she wasn't capable of a challenging job. "I am a doctor! You trying to say I-?"_

" _Steady on, I'm not judging. I was just expecting… I don't know. Less Tequila."_

 _She looked at him blankly, not sure whether to let him off the hook. "Yeah, well, it's been a tough week."_

" _Then let me buy you another."_

 _She nodded and prepared her hand with the salt as he paid. The burning was less of a surprise this time and she found she almost enjoyed the pain. She had missed this warm fuzz of inebriation. She couldn't wait for it to wash away the woes of the week._

* * *

Ethan takes a while to open the door and when he finally does so, his eyes widen. He's still in his work smarts but his tie is missing and his shirt is loose at the collar and half free from his trousers. His hair is crumpled and he appears to have given up midway through a shave.

"Hi," she says.

"Hi. I, uh, thought you were in Scotland?"

"I would be if someone hadn't cancelled all leave."

He rubs at his forehead. "Right, yes," he says. "Sorry."

"So are you going to make me stand out in the cold as well?"

She's surprised when he hesitates, as if he's actually considering leaving her on the doorstep. But his shoulders relent and, in some semblance of the gentleman he used to be, he reaches to carry her suitcase in.

As he brushes past her, she catches a strong whiff of alcohol on his breath. She frowns but follows him through to the lounge, where her suspicions are confirmed. A half empty bottle of whisky sits on the coffee table, lid off. Alicia knows whisky isn't Ethan's drink of choice, it was Cal's and that worries her even more. She doesn't think she's seen Ethan drink whisky since the day of his brother's funeral.

"You okay?" she asks softly.

He shrugs.

"Can I have some?" she nods towards the whisky.

He fetches her a glass and wordlessly tips a generous quantity of the alcohol into it.

She takes a sip. Nausea stirs but experience tells her it'll ease the hangover if only she can get through the first few mouthfuls.

"Rumour was you'd given it up," he says.

"Yeah, but I drank last night. Couldn't let my dad down on his 60th, could I?" She pauses and gives him a cheeky grin. "Besides, the resolution was booze _and_ men, so technically I broke it the other day when you had me up against your headboard."

A look crosses his face that she attributes to embarrassment.

"You, uh, you really waited all that time?"

"Hey, why the tone of surprise?!" she asks. She's not offended really; if anything it's mildly amusing to see him squirm at any mention of her promiscuous past.

He shakes his head. "I hadn't assumed I was worth waiting for, that was all."

"Ethan!" She places her hands on either side of his face and plants a soft kiss on his lips. He barely responds and she wonders if he's still feeling insecure. "Don't say things like that. You're more than worth it, okay?

He looks at her with such intensity that she has to break the eye contact. She stares into her whisky glass and gently swills the liquid. She's scared of seeing hope in his eyes because she knows she's going to let him down. Even on the night of their reconciliation, his adoration had been hard to bear. She can't be the one to save him. Not when she's done enough to destroy him all over again.

Her train journey from Holby to Edinburgh had been long and she'd been angry, especially after hearing the disappointment in her dad's voice when she'd phoned him to say she had to leave a day early for work. The dark mood had made her fingers type fast and she'd finished the newest blog post before the train had even reached Durham.

She knows without having to ask that Ethan has read it. Why else would he be home alone, drinking by himself?

* * *

 _The music had shifted from the golden oldies her dad loved to the songs she heard on the radio on a daily basis. Her head thumped in time to the beat. The vodka and coke Sean bought her tasted foul but she sipped at it anyway, not wanting to chance sobriety._

 _Sean finished the last of his drink and slammed the glass back on the bar. "Coming for a dance?" he asked_

 _She wrinkled her nose. "Not in the mood."_

" _You'll be missing out when you see my moves." He spun on the spot and ended the move with a slight thrust of his pelvis. "Yes?"_

 _Alicia giggled but staggered off her bar stool to join him. "Promise never to do that again?"_

" _What this?" he asks, repeating._

 _She lunged at him to hold him still but her drunken limbs tripped up and she half fell into his chest._

 _He caught her. "Told you. You can't help throwing yourself at me."_

" _In your dreams," she said, but she wrapped her arms around his neck. In that moment, he reminded her of Cal._

 _She danced with him, safe in the knowledge that whatever happened, it wouldn't lead to heartbreak. Relationships were painful; she'd learnt that through everything that happened with Ethan and Cal. But a fling with a stranger was simple and fun and it would distract her for a bit, prolonging the moment she had to choose between Ethan and her blog._

* * *

Ethan slumps next to her on the sofa. She can feel despair radiating through his body.

"There's been another blog post," he tells her. "I suppose you'll say you've not had chance to see it while you've been away." His chin sinks onto his chest. "Called me a sadist, this time."

Her heart aches. "What, you directly?" she hints. She'd never out him by name.

"The clinical lead, it said." He gives a bitter laugh. "I'm almost inclined to agree."

"No!" She takes his hand and gives it a firm squeeze. "Ethan, you are a good person. This- this blogger, I'm sure they're just upset with the changes." She pauses. "Although maybe it would be best for you to stop reading what they write."

He gives a short huff of breath and unclasps their hands. "It appears I'm both a sadist and a masochist. I can't stop thinking about what they're going to say."

Alicia falls silent. She takes another gulp of her drink. She'd never meant to torture Ethan this way. If she's honest with herself, she's not sure exactly what her intentions were with the blog. At first she'd been upset over Kam and wanted to do something to prevent another life going to waste. But then it had been an outlet, a way to put the day's frustrations to bed. If other struggling young medics could relate to it then so be it. If bigwigs began to realise where they were going wrong, even better. But it had never been to hurt Ethan.

"So, this cancellation of leave," she says. "There really aren't any alternatives?"

He shakes his head. "Other than, uh, no scans, no bloods… The money has to come from somewhere. It's a choice between patients and staff. Impossible decisions."

"There must be something," she says. She knows she was partially responsible for his U-turn on limiting bloods but she doesn't understand how every angle makes someone suffer.

"I've looked at every possibility. There's nothing."

She watches Ethan run his hands over his head and notices the moment he tugs at his hair. She thought she'd seen him at his lowest after Cal's death and, while this wasn't on that level, he still looked like a broken man.

"Ethan, this isn't making you happy," she says.

He raises his eyebrows but doesn't deny it.

"You could quit?" she suggests. "Just be a consultant. That's enough."

"I can't quit, Alicia."

"Screw Mrs Beauchamp. You're under no obligations to prove her wrong."

"It's not that," he says. "I don't want to let the department down."

Alicia purses her lips as she considers. _Rage in Resus_ may claim that the inefficient clinical lead is causing far more damage to the department in the role than they would if they stepped down, but _she_ can't hurt Ethan that way.

"Anyway, it's not all bad." He sounds as if he's trying to convince himself.

"No?"

"I like the pay check," he says, the joke falling flat even before he elaborates. "There's just one wage to cover the mortgage on this place now. And I seem to have inherited Cal's debts."

"No amount of money's worth what this job is doing to you."

"I- I don't know. The job has its advantages. It keeps my mind occupied, for one thing. I get home from work so exhausted I don't notice how quiet the flat is. Or- or I'm busy thinking of new ideas for the E.D. rather than things I could have done differently for Cal to still be here."

Alicia feels a stab of guilt. She'd neglected to notice that, beneath the stresses of work, Ethan's still grieving for his brother. As he turns away and dabs at his eyes, she realises he's in a much worse state than she'd imagined.

* * *

" _I've betrayed someone," Alicia confessed in Sean's ear, her words swallowed by the volume of the music. "Only they don't know what I've done."_

" _My girlfriend got pregnant," he replied. "It was a shock. I told her I didn't want it."_

" _I never meant to hurt anyone but now I have the power to break him completely."_

" _We broke up. She's moving away now and I'm never going to see her again."_

" _I screwed up."_

" _I screwed up."_

 _He tucked her hair behind her ears and gently kissed the soft skin of her neck. It was the wrong place, the wrong person, but with the way her body tingled, she didn't care. Their lips were drawn together like magnets and she kissed him violently. His teeth nibbled her lip. Her nails teased the back of his scalp. It was so different than with Ethan._

" _I've got a room," she said breathlessly. "Upstairs."_

 _His hand moved to the curve of her back. "Is that an invitation?"_

" _It's a request."_

 _The barely shut the door before she ripped his shirt over his head and he started tugging at the zip on her dress. They fell onto the bed, still fighting out of the remainder of their clothes. His lips traced down her body and for a while she lay back and let him explore. She felt guilty, even then, partly because of Ethan and partly because she'd spent months trying to stop being the kind of girl that had one night stands to make herself feel better._

 _He climbed on top of her, manoeuvring her legs to wrap around him, and he gasped in need. His lips bumped against hers. His hands focused only on himself. It felt all wrong. His limbs were longer than Ethan's and yet they were all in one place. His skin was colder. He smelt different. He was breathing heavily into her neck. She felt his weight shift and she knew this was it. She shoved him, as hard as she could and he rolled off her, onto his back, mouth open, panting, shocked and hurt._

" _I thought you wanted this," he said._

" _Yeah, so did I." It had come out harsher than intended but the tone was directed towards herself rather than him. She grabbed her dress and underwear from the floor and held them in front of herself as she retreated to the en-suite bathroom._

 _He was still there even after she'd showered, half-dressed and looking up at her from under long eyelashes._

" _Are you okay?" he asked._

 _She nods. "Yeah. Bad decision. I'm sorry."_

" _I didn't, you know, hurt you?"_

" _No, Sean, you did nothing wrong. I- I slept with my ex a couple of days ago. We're not together, but…"_

" _But you want to be."_

" _It's complicated."_

 _He stands up and turns away from her, peering out the window into darkness. "If you've got a second chance with someone, you should take it."_

 _Alicia's head was spinning. She didn't realise until nearly having sex with Sean how badly she wanted to be with Ethan. She couldn't undo the things she'd written in the blog but she could stop any updates, perhaps even delete the profile. It would soon be forgotten. He'd never know it was her._

" _You're right," she says._

 _He turns back to her with a cocky grin that she's sure he's faking, but still reminds her of Cal._

" _I always am."_

* * *

The silence has lasted a while and Alicia is beginning to feel uncomfortable. Ethan has composed himself thanks to a few swings of whisky and a handkerchief that Alicia had pretended not to notice. She wants him to hold her but, for the first time, she's scared of initiating the contact. Now she knows how much she wants him, she's scared of rejection.

"What do you reckon Cal would make of you being clinical lead?" she asks.

Ethan breath is expelled in a half laugh, half cry. "Oh! He'd be a nightmare," he says. "Winding me up constantly and yet expecting special treatment to let him off whatever misdemeanours he got up to."

She chances a smile. "Sounds about right."

"He'd probably, I don't know, use my office to woo a random agency nurse." Ethan gives a watery chuckle. "Or- or call me _Clinical Lead Nibbles_ in front of the entire board."

"He'd be proud though."

"I hope so." Ethan looks down at their clasped hands. "You know, we wanted to make consultant together."

"He told me that once."

Ethan looks at her strangely. She supposes it's still weird for him to think of any of the intimacies she once shared with Cal.

He takes a deep breath. "He would have made an excellent consultant, I think. I know he was irresponsible and messed about, but he was a good doctor when it mattered. He'd mastered complex procedures. And- and he could lead a team." He manages a fond smile. "I mean, the paperwork would be a mess, but he wouldn't second guess every decision he made. He had the confidence to trust his own judgement, not worry about what everyone else thought." He pauses and looks Alicia directly in the eye. "I bet he wouldn't have a whole blog dedicated to criticising him," he says.

Alicia squirms but she manages to retain composure. "You and Cal are different people," she says. "Different strengths."

"Yeah. Opposite strengths," Ethan says. "That's why I need him here with me now."

Alicia nods. Her own eyes prickle. "I know it's not the same but you've got me."

She's not sure what she expected but certainly some kind of acknowledgement. Ethan just scrunches up his face and sits so still and silent she can almost hear him holding his breath.

Eventually he turns to her. She almost flinches at the fire in his eyes.

"Cal would be honest with me about who's behind _Rage in Resus_ ," he says.

* * *

 _Alicia staggered back to the party alone. She caught sight of her reflection in a hallway mirror. Her lipstick was smudged, hair knotted, dress skewed slightly to one side. She tried her best to remedy her appearance but she was sure that if anyone in the room was sober enough to pay her attention, they'd know exactly what she'd been up to._

 _She ordered a G &T and tried not to cringe at the sleazy wink the barman gave her. She found a chair at an unoccupied table and watched her dad dance the Macarena to a song that certainly wasn't made for the routine. She could imagine an older Ethan doing the same if he had one too many to drink._

 _Her fingers curled around her phone and she scrolled through the three unsent messages to Ethan. It had felt therapeutic writing them; a confessional for the non-religious. The first message had been the shortest, a simple 'I love you'. The second was a few home truths, telling him he'd changed, that management wasn't suited to him and that he was losing friends. The third was the most dangerous of the lot as she had admitted to writing the blog that hurt him so much._

 _She begun a fourth message, telling him she cheated on him, although she wasn't sure if it even counted as cheating if you didn't know if you were together or not, but something made her jump and she stalled halfway through a word. She looked up in time to see Sean shuffle back into the room, looking sheepish but far less dishevelled than her. Their eyes locked and he took a few steps in her direction._

 _Hastily she jumped to her feet. There was no way she was entering into further conversation with him after the embarrassing freak-out in her room. She jabbed at her phone and thrust it back in her bag, rushing to join her dad on the dancefloor. One glance over her shoulder confirmed that Sean had taken the hint._

* * *

"It's you, isn't it?"

Alicia feels as if she's falling. The whisky threatens to resurface. Her gaze is on her own interlocked fists in her lap, so she senses Ethan move from the sofa rather than sees him. She sinks further into the cushions and wishes she could disappear.

"I trusted you." His voice sounds broken.

"H- how..?"

"How did I find out?" He thrusts a shaking hand in her face, showing her the screen of his phone. "You texted me. You-" He swipes a hand beneath his eye. "You don't even remember, do you? I knew you didn't as soon as you turned up. I don't know if that makes it better or worse."

Her eyes sting but she wills herself not to cry. She climbs to her feet and lays a gentle hand on his wrist. "Ethan, I'm sorry."

"The things you wrote… you really believe..?" He sniffs loudly and turns away. "I thought we were, I don't know, friends at the very least."

"We are!" She edges in front of him so that he's forced to look at her. "Those messages- I was drunk, I didn't know I'd sent them. I certainly never intended to."

"That's not the point."

"No, I know. But they weren't all bad, were they? The first, I remember, I said I loved you." She can hear the desperation in her voice but continues anyway. "I do, Ethan, I love you!"

"Love," he echoes. "No. You wouldn't have done this to me."

"The blog's not even about you really," she says. "The hospital, the NHS, yes, but-"

"Of course it's about me!" he yells. "Do you really think I'm so stupid as to believe otherwise?"

She flinches. She doesn't think she's heard Ethan shout before. He shudders, as if he's alarmed himself as well, and she can see his jaw working as he fights to regain composure.

"Every criticism is about the choices I made," he says forcibly calmer. "And that was tough anyway because I'm trying _so_ hard to do well at this. But what hurt the most was that I knew it must be a member of my team. A colleague, a friend maybe, but I never-" he shakes his head. "I never thought it would be you."

"I'll delete it."

"Yeah. You will," he says, roughly. "But that won't make everything okay.

She bites her lip but the tears still begin to fall. "It's just a few meaningless posts," she says. "It was just venting. Everyone does that about work, don't they?"

"Not like that! Not on a public forum!" He releases a sudden rush of breath. "Alicia, don't you get it? I've lost everything already, my brother, my parents, my health, _you_. And now I'm on the verge of losing the one thing I had left."

She hesitates. She knows it's true that his job's at risk. "Not because of the blog though," she says.

She regrets her words as soon as they leave her mouth. They seem to echo in the small gap between them and then Ethan's face crumples and a single tear trickles down his cheek.

"Can't you just go?" he says.

"No," she replies. It sounds like a question.

"Leave me alone."

"No," she repeats, more confidently this time. "Ethan, I know I've let you down but none of this is worth throwing away what we've got."

"And what have we got?" he snaps. "Lies. Betrayal. We slept together behind my brother's back, for heaven's sake!"

"Cal forgave us-"

"Then, I was grieving, and you-"

"And I what?" she spits back. "I took a step back but we both know why that was. You weren't just grieving, Ethan, you were frighteningly obsessed." She permits him the chance to reply but he doesn't take it. "Now, this job. Since when did you want to be clinical lead anyway?" she asks. "It's a replacement for Cal, isn't it? Something else to focus on. And that's why you're so scared of failing."

He pales but stubbornly shakes his head. "It's my career. It's nothing to do with what happened to Cal."

"Okay, so subconsciously-"

"I just want to progress professionally," he says. "There's nothing wrong with that when Mrs Beauchamp does it. Or Lily. Or you, even. When you got promoted no-one accused you of focusing on work to forget your mess of a life."

"No, because I wasn't promoted unfeasibly beyond my experience level," she retorts.

He stares at her, but there's no real anger left in his eyes now, only sadness. He slumps back onto the sofa. She considers taking the seat next to him, but it seems too friendly, too intimate, and yet towering over him feels like a further insult. She crouches and uses the arm of the sofa to keep herself from wobbling.

"I didn't mean that," she says.

"Didn't you? Because that's what everyone else thinks."

"It doesn't matter about everyone else," she soothes. "This is just me and you."

He scoffs. "Me, you and _Rage in Resus_."

She swallows. The whisky has left a bitter taste in her mouth. "Forget about that stupid blog, Ethan."

"How can I?" Hurt ripples across his face and he looks like a young boy rather than a senior doctor. "Alicia, that night we spent together meant a lot to me. I thought you felt the same."

"I _do_ -!"

"Such a naïve idiot," he berates himself. "I- I thought we were going to get back together! I thought something good was finally happening. But you- the whole time…" His eyelashes grow damp. "I suppose you were planning your next blog post while I was sleeping next to you."

"It was never like that." Her voice breaks and she blinks back tears. "I can't bear for you to hate me."

He shakes his head but doesn't speak and she has no idea whether he's refuting her statement or showing his disgust at it.

She sniffs but shuffles closer and lays her hand on top of his, encouraged when he doesn't snatch it away. "I'll put things right. Just tell me how."

At first, he's silent. She watches his every movement, how his forehead creases as he thinks and how he wrinkles his nose when he's trying not to cry. Her gaze moves to his lips and she wills them to open, to speak and tell her everything will be okay. But they remain firmly closed and she's almost given up on getting an answer when he turns to face her.

He reaches out to her and places his palm against her cheek. She can feel the coarseness of his skin and remembers the months after Cal's death when she had to constantly remind him to take care of his hands. When his mind is occupied, she knows moisturising as at the bottom of his list.

His thumb gently traces her cheekbone. Her heart hammers in her ears and she forgets to breathe, desperate that his tender gesture means that he's considering forgiveness.

"Eth-?"

He sighs so deeply that his shoulders collapse and his hand falls back to his side. "I can't do this," he says.

"Take your time. Think about-"

"No." He cuts her off. "I'm sorry, but no. We hurt each other, Alicia. I forgot who I was after I lost my brother and dragged you into the middle of it. But now…" he takes a deep breath. "Now you've hurt me too. The criticism alone I could get over. I mean, making controversial decisions, being disliked, it's all part of management, right? But the way you did it… no." He wrinkles his nose. "You stabbed me in the back."

Her chest aches but she manages to nod. "You're right to be angry."

"Yeah."

"But, Ethan, we can work through this."

"Perhaps if you'd stopped as soon as you saw how much that blog upset me," he says. "But you carried on. You got harsher, if anything. You told me you supported me and then wrote posts that inferred anything but! I asked you who it was and you _lied_ to me!" He frowns and reaches out for the whisky, swigging directly from the bottle and looking completely out of character. "We're over, Alicia," he says. "I want you to stay away from me. For good this time."

She slumps forwards and the movement sends the tears she'd been holding back trickling down her cheeks.

"Please," she whispers.

When she gets no response, she dries her cheeks with the cuff of her sleeve and shakily climbs to her feet. She tugs her coat on roughly, struggling to feed her arm down the sleeve, and yanks her suitcase from the corner where Ethan had parked it. It topples to one side but she doesn't bother to return it to its wheels as she pulls it towards the door. She hopes Ethan will follow her but he doesn't and a shuddering sob slips from her lips.

The night air is icy cold and she lets it envelope her as she strides down the road. Usually, Ethan would drive her home or she'd get a taxi, but today the long walk seems an appropriate punishment.

She's as angry at Ethan as she is upset. She'd only written the blog because his ineffective management style had pushed her to, yet he's acting like she's the only one in the wrong. She considers a further post, a more personal one, then immediately discounts it. If he's this heartbroken over her honest accounts of shifts, then she can only imagine what a personal slander would do to him.

Besides, she knows she fucked up too. She should have raised her concerns to him, rather than anonymously online. Or, if the blog was the only way, then she shouldn't have slept with him as well. And once he found out, she supposes she could have handled it better too. She should have grovelled rather than argued back, but that had never been her style. Everything she'd said seemed to make things worse. His devastated replies echo around her already aching head.

And then something occurs to her, something he'd said among the accusations that didn't quite make sense. He'd been emotional, worried he was about to lose his job and lamenting all the things he'd lost already. Cal's death had almost destroyed him and so it was obvious that he had headed the list. But she's sure, among the things he'd named, he'd included his health. She frowns. He said he'd lost his health.

She grounds to a halt in the middle of the street. Her chest clenches. The argument over the blog suddenly pales. Ethan couldn't be ill, could he? She'd know! She shakes her head and yet her stomach still feels unsettled. She looks down the path behind her and considers returning to Ethan's flat and demanding answers. But she knows he'll refuse to tell her anything now. She has to be cleverer than that. She has to uncover his secret for herself.

And that means he was wrong. They're anything but over.


End file.
